In Jane Nelsen's article, Eighteen Ways to Avoid Power Struggles, she describes the 'positive time out,' a nurturing (not punitive) area you and your child go to together. By the way, no child under 3 1/2 is ready for such a place... (oops). "Punishment decreases brain development. Children are often punished for doing what they are developmentally programmed to do -- explore." Instead, I'm supposed to be using distraction and a lot of supervision with my young children.
So are they developmentally programmed to grab both of my legs and sit on my feet while I try to cook dinner or start screaming whenever I pick up the phone??? This nurturing place puts me in mind of Adam Sandler's movie, Happy Gilmore, in which a golfer struggling with uncontrollable rage is told to go to his 'happy place.'
That said, I did try some of the techniques listed on the website during last night's evening meal melt-down. Asking for a hug (because I needed one so much) worked surprisingly well. So did reading a story. Luckily, my mother in law was doing the cooking, so I didn't have to worry about anything getting burned.
Hi Amy,
ReplyDeleteDealing with demanding little ones can try the soul of any overwhelmed mother. And, I want to point out that hugs and distraction are not the only non-punitive tools that can be effective. Sometimes it is helpful to just ignore a behavior and allow children to have their feelings and learn that they can survive disappointment (not getting everything they want). The reason I say this can be helpful is that children learn resiliency and a sense of their own capability when they learn they can survive not getting everything they want. Ignoring is not easy, unless you use this mantra in your head, "He is learning resiliency and that he is capable." By the way, children aren't programmed to hang on your legs. They do learn what works and what doesn't work--and by works, I mean anything that gets a certain response. Well, I can see I'm digging a hole that takes lots of explanation so I'd better stop by wishing you well in the most difficult and rewarding job int he world--being a mother.
My best to you, Jane Nelsen
Thank you SO MUCH for your insightful comments and for being the first person to ever comment on my blog! My three year old and I went to time-out together this morning for the first time. So far so good. I've been enjoying your articles and I look forward to reading your books!
ReplyDelete--Amy